I’ve always known that I have some dangerous power that can destroy people. I never was very popular, introvert kid, lone wolf teenager, kinda bizarre young lady and now a strange, distant woman who pretty enough, smart enough but way too honest (cruel?) and realistic (pessimistic?) to be easily loved.
I have this funny feeling, that the others fear me. I can see it in their eyes. They look insecure when they talk to me, and I can smell the relief when they realize I happen to be nice and polite. However, I’m not an agressive person at all, I never have tantrums, I really don’t want to hurt anybody….(but me)… so…
Maybe it’s my stormy, blue eyes with that ‘I don’t give a flying fuck to this whole world‘ stare, or a human without illusions is officially a dreadful monster.
I am not loveable, and I don’t love easily. You have to be a very special being, if you’d like me liking you, but if I do… I do it well.
I can be a great friend if we give each other a chance to it. Unfortunately, it’s quite rare. I’ve been suffering from loneliness all of my life, so I really (REALLY) appreciate friendship. I can make my friends laugh, feel whole, real and valuable – cause they are. I just help them perceiving it.
And the most awful experience when I have to realize that my mysterious power is quietly poisoning the lifes of my beloved ones. As if it would try to shackle them to me. No, it’s not me who doing this. Freedom is the most beautiful gift to give, I need it and I want my friends having it. Still they start fading beside me, and this is incredibly painful.
And the time comes, and I have to push them away, because they’re usually too weak to escape… and I am the one who have to be strong, pretending to be bored, mean, incurious, etc. to make them run away, ’cause I love them and wish the best for them.
Then I find myself alone.